Depression - The Death of Bradley

The other day I was talking to a close friend of mine who is suffering from depression and was thinking of committing suicide. I shared with him the story of my lover Bradley. I will now share that story with y'all.

I meet Bradley my sophomore year of high school. I attended Amos Alonzo Stagg High School and he attended Victor J.Andrew High School. We started talking on AOL and then decided to meet. At first we decided to be friends and then it turned into a secret relationship (because I was closeted).

By junior year I could no longer keep it a secret and I told some of my close friends about him. All was going well until one day I found out that Bradley had cheated on me with one of my close friends. I was destroyed. I told Bradley to f*ck off and I never wanted to speak to him again. But he was persistent and wanted me to give him a second chance. Me being me and knowing I was still in love with him decided to forgive him with the understanding that it would never happen again.

During my senior year Bradley asked me to commit my life to him. I was so excited. We worked day and night on the plans for our civil union. And I thought all was going well in my life. But I was wrong. I found out that Bradley was cheating on me again with the same friend. This time I made it perfectly clear to him that it was over for good.

Then on the night of September 17th, 1999 I received a phone call from Bradley. He kept begging me to forgive him. I told him no. He then made a threat that if I would not take him back he was going to kill himself. I told him to f*ck off and my life would be better off if he did kill himself. (I let my anger get the best of me).

Well the morning of the 18th, I awoke to a phone call at 3 am. It was Mark, Bradley's brother. He called to tell me that Bradley took their father's gun and killed himself. I closed off my life to those close to me and I also attempted suicide.

A friend of mine made me go see a councilor. On my first visit she wanted me to write a letter to Bradley explaining the pain he caused me by his actions. In the back of my mind I thought that this was a stupid idea. It wasn't going to change anything. But it was a great outlet for my emotions. It helped me sort out what really going on inside my head.

As I wrote this letter I noticed that my hatred for Bradley and what he did started to grow. How could he of been such a hypocrite. When ever the topic of suicide came up among our friends, he always said that only someone so mindless and heartless would turn to suicide. My friends tried to rationalize that Bradley really did love and care about me. But I felt like I mattered so little to him and that was how he was able to end his life without batting an eye.

I also came to the realization that I did not only hate Bradley for what he did, but I also had so much self loathing for saying the things I said and letting him think that I did not love him anymore.

There has not been a day that goes by that I don't think of him and the love that I still carry around in my heart for him. If he was still with us maybe my life would of went down a different path. But I will never know because what he did that night was permanent.

Advice to any depressed readers

Depression hits different people for different reasons - whether it be a depression that only last a few hours or days; to a depression that leads to suicidal feeling, you should think about getting help. I've learned that you have a lot of options available to you. I have fought a long battle with depression and I know that it may never go away. But you can't just stop living your life because of it.

I have a few things I like to do when I feel depressed:

1.) Go out with friends - even if I didn't feel like going out in the first place, I forced myself and it helped me keep my mind off of what was making me depressed. Friends are there for good times and bad.

2.) Treat myself to something special. If there is a CD or DVd I've been meaning to get? I go and get it! Spend a bit of money, and get something you've been wanting. Or just go window shopping - if you see a book you like, go get it!

3.) Do something I enjoy doing. You probably don't feel up to much, but give it a go. If you like swimming, go and do it, at least for twenty minutes - you might do it longer when you realize you're enjoying it.

4.) Listen to some "happy" music. I have a few tunes that I find make me happy - I just can't help moving my feet, and enjoying it. I don't know how many other people this works for, but try it.

If your depression is more severe, you'll need some more severe methods of tackling it. But don't dismiss the examples I've given above - at least try them. They won't work for everybody, but it's worth trying. If not, don't worry. There is always an answer.

The next step is to confront your depression. Not so much your depression itself, but what is causing it. Think about what's been happening in your life recently, and write a list of the problems that may have caused your depression. After you wrote these things down it is now time to do something about it - work your way through the list, sorting out the problems, and checking them off one by one. You can do it immediately, or over a day or week. But make sure the problems are sorted.

If you can't sort out the problems by yourself, it might be time to talk to someone about it. There are many places to look for help. Try looking close to you at first - your friends and family. Ask them if they would mind spending an hour or so with you - they might be able to throw a new perspective on things. The main aim is to sort out the problems together - if you can't get rid of the depression, aim for the heart of the problem.

You might feel that parents, brothers or sisters, friends or teachers aren't the right people to talk to. Find a councilor who deals with depression. Don't be ashamed - everyone has problems they need to deal with, and it is a lot easier to do with help.

When Bradley died and I was seeing my councilor I felt like it was a waste of time. But even though she couldn't give advice, she asked questions about what happened, and it helped me understand it more; to put it in some sort of logical order.

I hope I have inspired ideas for you to deal with your depression. I am very sorry if I haven't managed to help - but please don't give up hope. And what ever you do please don't give up.

- MJ