The Day that Changed My Life

Friday August 5th, will mark the anniversary of the day that changed my life. It isn't a happy anniversary like the day I meet my partner or anything like that. It is actually an anniversary that only a handful of friends know about. It is an anniversary that I wish never happened. August 5th, will mark the eleven year anniversary of the day I was gay bashed.

Not even my family and friends, except a small handful, even knew that I have been bashed. You may be wondering why I would have kept this from the people who care and love about me. I will tell you, I felt ashamed that I allowed this to happen to myself. I still have a hard time admitting and hard time talking about it, but I know that I’m not alone. It’s a secret most people didn’t know about me. I hate talking about it. I hate thinking about it. Yet, to be totally honest with you; that night still haunts my nightmares. Every time I hear about a gay-bashing the through that run though my head is what would have happened if they didn’t stop?

So yes I am a victim of gay bashing; correction survivor. How it happened is not of importance. The importance is in the occurrence. The few friends who knew tried to sympathize. Yet their sympathy provides little solace and no consolation. Only someone who has experienced this vile, horrid, degrading act can empathize. But you can’t even compare your experience to theirs because it is different for everybody. I pushed everyone away because I needed to allow my emotions to run their course.

Nothing prepared me for the pain and degradation perpetrated on my body. My body; my property; the unwarranted violation of my body. The utter sense of despair and helplessness as people swung at me like I was some kind of piñata. Breaking my ribs, tearing at my flesh, invading my body.
Tossing me about like a worthless rag doll. All the while telling me lies of my filth and unimportance; which later I started to believe.

When it was over my first emotion wasn’t hate. It wasn’t anger or revenge. No, it was shear devastation, self-loathing, worthlessness, pain. For it wasn’t just my body that was attacked . . . It was my soul, my innocence. They emotionally took away my identity. I was left with nothing; absolutely nothing. I could see only nothing. I had been tossed into a black hole; an endless void. Suicide looked like a definite possibility.

I was taken to the hospital; the place you go for help or so I thought. I laid there and waited while my skin turning black and blue. As I laid there I was reminded of my unimportance. And started to sink farther into that blackness and becoming part of the nothingness.

I then talked to the he police, the people you go to for protection or so I thought. They bombarded me with questions; being attacked with inquisition. My mind was already reeling with emotion as I tried to verbalize and rationalize. I started to go into a tailspin; crashing a little further into that hole. How much more could they make me suffer, making me relive this event that I would rather forget.


Their actions destroyed my world of hopes and dreams. I would lie in bad looking for sleep, hoping for its permanence yet it never come. So as I laid there in the darkness I am reminded of my loneliness; which thrust though the bottom of the black hole.

I then went there a period of reality that was never really mine. I become a breeding ground for hate. I hated the men whom forced me into this place of evil. I hated those who could of helped but didn’t. I hated those who should have protected me and couldn’t. But most of all I hated me.

I started to get comfortable in this newfound refuge of complete evil. All of my thoughts and energy fueled my thoughts of revenge, murder. Never once realizing I was killing the person I once was and thought I could never be again.

Hate, which is just as evil as the crime, ate away at what was left of my soul. It was preventing me from healing. It just burned in my mind like a wild fire. Deep down inside of myself I knew I couldn’t stop hating until I forgave.

The hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life was forgiving those who bashed me. With my energies now focused on me I began to move forward with my life. I went back into this world and got closer to my true identity. I was fortunate because deep down I held onto the man that I used to be. He found his way back into my life and the healing began. I started to pick up the pieces of my shattered life; something that requires patience.

It is going on eleven years and still the fear that comes over me sometimes seems like it will never go way. When I meet strangers or am in a large crowded room I tend to get super quiet, stay to myself, or play on my phone. I’m scared of not knowing everything and everyone around me. I’m scared of the unknown. The anxiety attacks I get when I can’t do something are because of it. This is the reality of my life. This is what I have become. Do I know how to fix it? Nope and nor do I want too.

My bashing has shaped who I am as a person and how I think politically. Although I’m a bit more awkward now, I wouldn’t change the fact that I was bashed for anything. The struggles we go through as a queer people is what shapes us as beings, and what helps us realize that as much as the powers-that-be want us to assimilate into heterosexist culture, we never will. We will and forever be queer people, we are strange and not the norm. And I’m proud of that. I am still continue my journey to the person I want to be. That is just part of my life and my recovery.

One final thought; our world is changing. Is it progressing for the better? I am not sure. Are we forgetting that violence against our community is a real problem or do we need the media to remind us again?

MJ

“Sexual Preference” vs. “Sexual Orientation”

Can anyone tell me the difference between “sexual preference” and “sexual orientation”? If you were thinking they mean the same thing you would be wrong. “Sexual preference” implies that there is a choice in the matter. Whereas ‘sexual orientation’ implies that one was born this way.

Semantics matter.

By someone saying “sexual preference” instead of “sexual orientation” has played right into anti-gay advocates’ argument that sexual orientation is a choice. Worse, it could also lend credence to the idea spread by the Christian right and other suspicious organizations that gay people must simply exercise willpower in overcoming the “mastery of sin” that supposedly makes us “give in” to the “temptation” of gay sexuality.

I am as guilty as the next person because I have allowed my friends and allies to continue using the phrase “sexual preference” instead of “sexual orientation”, but that is going to stop because I will not allow anyone to legitimize the implication that sexual orientation is a choice.

To most people in the Christian right, they believe that one’s “sexual preference” is a beatable character flaw; as though a gay person elects to face a lifetime of discrimination because of some misguided, masochistic lust. Therefore it is a problem that can be solved, often by prayer and celibacy.

This same thinking leads anti-gay supporters to turn the fact of human sexuality into a question of morals. To them it’s our choice to be gay, and that choice is a wrong one. Why should the bigots change if we’re the ones who chose — preferred, even — to be “deviant” in the first place?

In fact, the concept of “sexual preference” is just as problematic to me as “gay lifestyle.” Both phrases reject the very idea of “sexual orientation”, instead reducing gayness to a set of learned behaviors and attitudes. What’s more, both phrases indirectly position heterosexuality as the moral standard for which we should all strive and from which we in the LGBT community “deviate” from.
When someone uses the term “sexual preference” or claim to support “the gay lifestyle” probably doesn’t mean to suggest that being gay is actually a choice. Nonetheless, our language reflects our beliefs. It is time we stop allowing the belief that gayness is a choice to pollute our vocabulary.

MJ

Restart!!!!!!

I imagine many of you were surprised to see new post up on the blog. To be perfectly honest with you I am too. Apathy, work, and a failure to gain traction in a competitive blogosphere contributed to the long drought. And I didn’t think my heart was in it any more.

I realized I didn’t have the mettle to go up against the likes of Joe.My.God and Towleroad and others, who were already doing a fabulous job, and I might add are tremendous assets to the LGBT community. Simply parroting them was no way to distinguish myself.

I used to joke that I was a small fish swimming in a small pond full of big fish. Occasionally I’d get a nibble. Sometimes I’d get lucky and more popular blogs would cross-post or even feature one of my original posts.
This little fish was never eaten. It simply grew tired of swimming.

This brings us to the present and all the new post.

Lately I’d been feeling the itch to start blogging again. I looked back at all of my earlier post and yes they were definitely more sporadic, but more personal. Less chore.. more fun. I need to go back to that. At least for a while.

So I want to start off by letting you know that there will be more personal/essay type posts and less breaking news, unless it’s really juicy, or really relevant. I’ve also be posting more local events (local being Northern Illinois).

I know some of you will abandon my blog. Some already have. And that’s fine. For those who stick around, I hope to make it worth your while. Until next time.

Faith Response to the Violence in Lake View Prayer and Candle Vigil

"Human beings are all members of one body.
They are created from the same essence.
When one member is in pain,
The others cannot rest.
If you do not care about the pain of others,
you are not worthy of being called a human."
(A quote from a renowned Persian Poet, Saadi Shirazi 12th to 13th century AD)

As some of you already know, there have been a few shocking events that happened in Chicago's Lakeview neighborhood. People in this neighborhood have witnessed and experienced violence in many forms: spiritual, physical, and emotional. A group called the Faith Response to Violence is offering a neutral space for prayer and silent reflection.

Look deep inside yourself and become the spark of change and show in solidarity that we are against all forms of violence. Let’s band together and help build a safe community for everyone.

So please join me on Saturday, July 23, at 10:30 p.m. at the 7-Eleven parking lot located at Halsted and Roscoe.

Please bring candles with you to participate in the vigil.

NOTE:
There are no "speakers" for this event. As it states above, this event is a neutral space for prayer and reflection.

No finger-pointing.
No blaming.
Instead, an invitation to prayer, reflection, and hope for peace.

EVENT DATE
Saturday, July 23, 2011
10:30 PM - 11:30 PM
LOCATION
7-Eleven Parking Lot
3407 N. Halsted St.
Chicago, IL 60657
(Corner of Roscoe and Halsted)

Do You Have Blood on Your Hands?

Do you have the blood of those whom have turned to suicide due to anti-gay bullying on your hands?

Well I will tell you who does.

Those of you who fight to deny gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender people their rights, which includes the right to get married and to be protected against discrimination and crime.

Those of you who selectively read between the lines of the Bible just to justify your own hatred.

Those of you, who object and even prevent programs that teach tolerance and understanding in your children’s schools, are allowing these children to go unprotected from anti-gay hate speech and also physical violence.

Those of you, who hear, use or even allow others around you to use derogatory slurs like faggot, dyke, queer; these words are used as lethal weapons to torment and terrorize people until they think the only way to make it stop is to turn to suicide.

Those of you whom have gay friends, colleagues or relatives and yet remain outwardly silent, your silence is also to blame for those deaths caused by anti-gay bullying.

Where would you turn if all your life kids at school called you queer and faggot as they kicked and punched at you? Or when the people at your church kept saying that homosexuality destroys the family and violates the law of God? Or when you turned on the television the politicians were saying that openly gay people serving in the military or getting married will harm our society.

For me I interpreted these messages as evidence that anyone who identified as gay; be it gay men, lesbian or transgender; did not deserve to live so I turned to suicide.

It has been years since I admitted to myself that I attempted to take my own life over what people said and did. For the longest time, I was ashamed of what I did and buried it deep inside me so I wouldn't let my emotions get the better of me. So I sat idly by on the sidelines not saying much on the topic for the past year. But how could I live with myself knowing that those innocent children’s blood was also on my hands.

Because of my own fears and guilt, I allowed people’s bigotry and hatred go unchallenged. Well not anymore. I will not let those who oppose the equal rights and fair and just treatment make another person feel like I did.

I vow that even though I am just one person, my voice will not be denied and I will fight along side some great orginazations such as the It Gets Better Project (www.itgetsbetter.org) and The Trevor Project (www.thetrevorproject.org) to let everyone know that they are not alone and their life is worth living no matter what anyone says or does.

I just want to leave you with one finally thought. When someone says anything negative against gay, lesbian or transgender people, they are handing a loaded gun of justification to someone, and by turning a blind eye you also are allowing this justification.

So do you have the blood of those whom have turned to suicide due to anti-gay bullying on your hands?

-MJ