Trip Down Memory Lane

Last night Darren and I were doing some house cleaning and I came across a book that had some of my old poetry in it. I took a break from cleaning and started to flip though the pages and taking a trip down memory lane.

I wanted to share two poems with you guys that are as relevant today as they were when I first wrote them.

The first poem is called “In the Grey”. It was originally written after I came out at church. I thought that I was broken and wanted to be fixed. I was convinced that I would lose God’s love if I remained gay. This poem is about my struggle between my spiritual life and my sexual orientation. I hope you enjoy “In the Grey”. . .

In the Grey

Every second that passes is one less that remains,
In the lives we all live every day
And though most would believe life is all Black and White,
It is forgotten that combined they make Grey.

So just what is involved in believing this way,
A lot more than most can conceive
For it is a dangerous game to condemn without thought,
More dangerous than you would believe.

God teaches 'Compassion and Love' in His word,
Along with the way we should live
But it seems we have confused it with prejudice and hate,
When the time comes for us to forgive.

Black and white is so easy for it narrows the view,
And allows us the chance to play God
For we have made up our minds to what is right and what is wrong,
Without walking where others have trod.

I write this to tell you that the Grey is quite real,
And it allows no escape from its hold
For the passage you are given leads you back to the start,
And you are left feeling lifeless and cold.

But to follow our heart and the plan God has written,
Would mean living a life that is a lie
For we are trapped in a body that desires its own,
And we cannot make it change though we try.

So we try to find peace on the other side too,
But the Love that we seek is not there
Though our body is fulfilled our heart is still empty,
For our minds keep trying to compare.

I am not asking for much, just a chance to be loved,
For I have so much love to give
But I am weak and so tired of this struggle inside,
That at times I just do not want to live.

Once again I asked God to fix what has gone wrong,
Or help me find peace being gay
For this battle inside me is destroying my spirit,
Because Love cannot be found 'In the Grey'.

The other poem I wanted to share was written during a period when I just lost the love of my life and was trying to rationalize why it was better for me to be alone instead of in a relationship because straight society wouldn’t except our love anyway. This poem is titled “Outside Looking In” and it is funny that this poem was written nearly ten years ago and yet not much has changed. So here is “Outside Looking In”.


Outside Looking In

Stolen moments of the past are all that remain,
Of the once treasured Love that I had
Though I took it for granted, not knowing the cost,
The emptiness now makes me sad.

So much time has passed, yet so little has changed,
And I am weary from all I have been through
Still reality is the thing I now fear the most,
But there is really not much I can do.

It is not losing the love that I once held so dear,
Or waking each morning alone
It is facing the fear it may not come again,
A fear which has steadily grown.

Convincing myself it is not something I need,
I push to move forward each day
And though it works for a while, the emptiness returns,
For my Heart knows no other way.

So I hide from the world till my strength can return,
Hoping to buy myself time
Repeating the words that I cannot stand to hear,
That being alone is not a crime.

And what if by chance Love finds its way in,
It would have to be hidden from view
For we are not allowed to walk hand-in-hand,
Even though it would feel right to do.

We can hug if we are careful, but not for too long,
For it is not an acceptable thing
And kissing in public could just get you killed,
No matter the Joy it might bring.

So what is really the point in searching for Love,
If it has to be kept out of sight
We can never express what we feel in our heart,
Even though we have just as much right.

Do not take for granted the freedom you have,
For the difference between us, is thin
Still it is enough to keep you on the inside,
And us 'Outside Looking In'.

Thank you for taking this trip down memory lane with me. I hope that you all have a wonderful day and I will talk to you again soon.

MJ